


Keep Breathing, You'll Be Okay

by CaptainMoose



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Accepting Anxiety (Sanders Sides), Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Morally Neutral Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, and he's an overprotective mom so, nobodys unsympathetic its just mainly from deceits pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28118265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainMoose/pseuds/CaptainMoose
Summary: What if Janus got to Virgil before the light sides?(Or, Janus is gonna commit murder. And also Virgil's grounded for the rest of his life.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 27
Kudos: 235





	1. Virgil, hey, stop that

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide mention/suicide attempt (I personally see 'ducking out' as That), morally questionable dark sides (they just want to keep Virgil safe), Remus kinda disassociates sometimes but it doesn't go into too much detail. Also just Remus.
> 
> I think the warnings make it sound a lot worse than it is sdjkasfjk, but read with caution! There's definitely more angst that's gonna happen in this story, just you wait. If anyone does read this, hope you enjoy!!! <3

It was a normal morning. 

Janus woke up to the sound of something shattering, which meant he had overslept. He preferred to get up at dawn so he could enjoy the few moments of peace before Remus woke up. Today he would just have to hope he could get to the kitchen in one piece. 

Reluctantly, he got out of bed, immediately missing the warmth of his blankets. His normal outfit replaced his pajamas instantly. The cape and gloves didn’t  _ really  _ provide any warmth, but it eased the constant chill nonetheless. He plucked his hat from the nightstand and made sure he looked presentable in his mirror. As always, the scales stuck out like an ugly burn, but he’d gotten used to the sight awhile ago. The master of deception couldn’t afford to delude himself, after all. 

Opening his door showed a surprisingly normal hallway, and walking out into it didn’t trigger some sort of beheading device. Janus breathed out a sigh of relief, making his way to the kitchen with less trepidation. 

That’s odd. He knew better than to let his guard down when it came to Remus.

And yet...even after telling himself that, he felt perfectly at ease.

Janus was unnerved, but he just shook it off. He was having an off day, that was all. A strong cup of coffee should get his head cleared. 

Remus was going through the cupboards, smashing every breakable thing he found. He whirled around to stare at Janus, a mug in his hands. The last mug. Janus narrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to threaten him, but the mug joined the other shards of glass on the floor before he could talk. 

There went any hope of a salvageable morning. Janus was going to strangle him. 

“You’re particularly infuriating this morning,” he hissed. “Bad dreams?”

Remus twisted backwards to look at him, a shit-eating grin on his face. “The worst!”

Janus groaned. Looking around, their resident stormcloud was nowhere to be found, but that was hardly concerning. He never left his room when Remus was making so much noise. 

Remus suddenly popped up in front of him,  _ far  _ too close to his face. “Hey Double-Dee, guess what?” 

Janus scowled and none-too-kindly shoved Remus away from him. The duke fell onto the glass shards, which made Janus wince. Remus just grinned, waving his (now bloodied) hands around excitedly. 

“I got full creative control!”

“....What.”

“Is your hearing going? Is it ‘cause of all those explosions? I  _ told  _ you to get away from them.”

“Okay, first of all, you told me that  _ after  _ setting them off  _ right next to me _ , Remus—”

“Whatever.”

“—And second of all, how can you possibly have complete creative control?”

Remus shrugged, completely unconcerned. “Dunno, I tried checking up on my  _ dear brother _ , but I think all of them are having another weird existential debate. Not my problem!” He chirped. If Janus ignored the way he was playing with the shards of ceramic, he almost looked like a little kid again. 

“Okayyyy,” Janus said slowly. “So the light sides are having their weekly dilemma, that doesn’t explain why Virgil isn’t pitching a fit right now. You know how he gets about your stronger ideas.”

Remus froze.

Well, that wasn’t a good sign. “What?” He was expecting his voice to come out pathetically worried, but it was strangely...calm. Why wasn’t he worried?

“...I haven’t seen Vee,” Remus mumbled, looking dazed. 

Janus raised an eyebrow. “So? He doesn’t like noise, and he doesn’t get up before noon anyways. How is that concerning?”

“No, no...I should’ve seen him at  _ some  _ point by now…” Remus was clearly starting to spiral, his arms twitching. He was starting to draw blood from where his sharp teeth were digging into his mouth. 

Janus made a soft sound to get Remus’ attention, and then he slowly leaned down and waved away the glass on the floor and Remus’ small injuries. The duke looked even more lost, and it was one of the few things that could break Deceit’s heart. “I’ll go check on him, alright?” he murmured, gently putting a hand on Remus’ shoulder to help ground him. “I’m sure he’s perfectly alright. Probably just playing his loud music to drown you out.”

Remus didn’t lose the cloudiness in his eyes, but his body slumped. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Janus repeated, patting his shoulder once before getting up.

It was unwise to leave Remus alone when he got like this, but right now Virgil took priority. Admittedly, Janus had an uneasy feeling about their stormcloud’s absence, though he couldn’t figure out why.

His door looked the same as always, at least, but that relief was short lived because the door was locked. They rarely locked their doors unless they were fighting. Had Remus upset him somehow?

A bit annoyed now, Janus simply rose up in Anxiety’s room. 

“Virgil?” He called out. The room remained cold, dark, and worryingly empty. Janus unintentionally shivered. He didn’t particularly like staying in here very long. 

There was no response.

Janus crossed his arms. “Virgil, stop hiding. I’m here to check on you.” Silence. “Remus is worried about you.” Silence. “Oh for God’s sake, Virgil, just show me you’re not dead!”

“Not yet. Sorry to disappoint.”

Janus turned to face the figure on the stairs, his glare immediately softening into a questioning look. Wait...what did he just say? 

“The concern is sweet n’ all, but I’m kinda in the middle of something, so—”

“What are you doing?” Janus interrupted. His gut told him to  _ panic panic panic _ , and he couldn’t exactly ignore it in this room.

Virgil glowered at him. “None of your business. It won’t take long, just go back to your coffee or whatever.”

The room was so much darker than usual. Colder. Some of Virgil’s stuff was missing, making the room feel foreign. Janus had a very strong suspicion, but for once he wanted nothing more than to be wrong. “Virgil,” he whispered. Virgil tensed up, looking at him like he would start yelling. Did he think that? “What...are you doing.”  _ Tell me I’m being stupid. Tell me I’m overreacting, and that you were just redecorating.  _

Virgil’s eyes flickered down to his feet. Janus could see his hands curling into fists.

“ _ Virgil _ .”

“....I’m ducking out,” he grumbled, scuffing his shoes on the floor. 

_ No. No, no no no _ —

“No.”

Virgil’s head jerked up, shock painted across his face. A second later it was hastily covered up by annoyance. “No?” he repeated, sneering.

Janus clenched his jaw, the hopelessness fading as an idea formed. “No,” he affirmed, staring Virgil down as sternly as he could. As  _ kindly  _ as he could. It seemed Virgil didn’t appreciate the gesture, since his eyes lit up with anger. It was....oddly relieving. Janus could deal with angry outbursts. He could not deal with emptiness. 

“You can’t stop me,” Virgil spat. A distant part of Janus’ brain compared the sight to an angry little raccoon.

Then the more lucid part of Janus’ brain caught up. He snorted, though there was no humor in it. He knew he should be terrified, maybe even crying, but right now all he could feel was anger. “Oh,  _ Virgil _ .” he laughed bitterly, taking a few steps towards the anxious side. “You act like you don’t know me.”

His heart hurt, seeing Virgil lean away from him, but not enough to overpower the voice in his head screaming  _ you need to save him.  _ His stormcloud was still trying to act defensive, but Janus could see his walls starting to crack. 

He softened, just slightly. If anything, it only made Virgil look more terrified. “Darling,” he murmured, walking closer. “I can. And I will.”

Virgil’s breathing sounded ragged. “No, you can’t. You  _ won’t _ .”

And there was the anger again. “You expect me to stand by while you  _ kill yourself _ ?” He snapped, pointedly ignoring the way Virgil winced. The reality of the situation was so far out of his reach. Truths were not his forte, and he decided he didn’t like them very much. 

“ **Just leave me alone!** ” 

“No!  _ Why are you doing this? _ ”

“ **_BECAUSE I’M USELESS!_ ** ” Virgil yelled, and only now did Janus notice the tears running down his face. He always hated crying. He said he spent too much time on his eyeshadow to ruin it. “ **_BECAUSE NOBODY—_ ** “ Virgil’s voice cracked. 

“....Nobody….?” Janus prompted quietly, carefully getting closer. His stormcloud didn’t lash out, so he reached out and pulled him into a hug. 

Virgil seemed to give up all at once, his whole body going limp and his head falling into Deceit’s chest. “ **Nobody wants me. Nobody likes me.** ” Virgil’s voice came out broken. Resigned. Janus tightened his embrace, trying to keep his heart rate normal so Virgil wouldn’t notice. 

“That’s not true,” he whispered hoarsely into Virgil’s hair. All he got in response was a weak laugh. He pulled away slightly, summoning a second pair of arms to cradle Virgil’s face while the other held him. “Virgil, it’s  _ not _ . Remus and I love you. Do you have any idea how devastated we’d be if you…” he trailed off, unable to even say the words. 

Virgil tensed up for a second before slumping over again. “You’d be fine without me. You’d get over it quickly.”

Janus stiffened. “ _ No _ ,” he hissed into Virgil’s ear. His grip was probably bruising, but he feared that if he let go, even a little, Virgil would slip away and disappear. Virgil would  _ kill himself _ because he thought  _ he was unwanted. Unnecessary _ . The thought alone was so absurd that Janus wanted to laugh. Instead he just felt numb. 

He felt  _ furious _ .

He felt like he might start crying.

In the end, he simply sat there, running a hand through Virgil’s messy hair; it was soothing for both of them. 

“You’re upset,” Virgil eventually mumbled. Janus couldn’t read the tone of his voice.

“Not at you, stormcloud,” he soothed. “I’m not upset with you.”

“Why not?”

“Why would I be, dear? It’s not your fault you feel this way.” Janus inhaled sharply, a realization hitting him like a brick. Finally the tears started. “...It’s ours. We’ve failed you if you think those things are true. And for that, I’m upset at myself...and I’m  _ so very sorry _ .”

By now he was clutching Virgil to his chest so tightly that his stormcloud had trouble twisting himself out of the embrace. Janus resisted for a second out of some overwhelming, instinctual fear, but he eventually released him with great reluctance. He still had two hands on his shoulders, though. If he had no contact at all, he might have fallen apart right there. 

“It’s not your fault.” Virgil was trying to glare menacingly up at him. To Janus, it looked more like a pout. The corners of his mouth twitched up involuntarily, which made Virgil narrow his eyes. “It’s not! You and Remus didn’t—” he took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. “You and Ree didn’t do anything. I promise.”

“Well, if it wasn’t us then who could have possibly...” he trailed off. 

Oh.

_ Oh _ .

God, Janus  _ knew  _ he never should have let Virgil play house with them. He wouldn’t make such a stupid mistake again. 

“Dude, I can’t breathe,” Virgil complained, trying to push him away. Janus looked at the foot of space between them (which was already too much for his liking, thank you very much) and raised an eyebrow at his stormcloud.

“I’m barely touching you, dear.”

Virgil scoffed, but Janus could tell he was too exhausted to put any force behind it. Sure enough, when Janus stood up and softly coaxed him into laying down in bed, he barely even said anything. He was always a bit out of it after a panic attack.

Which worked out splendidly, because Janus really didn’t need him to get in his way while he sorted everything out. 

He looked down at Virgil, who looked troubled even in sleep, and then he left the room. He was sure to lock it behind him— the type that only  _ he _ could get through. 


	2. Unnecessarily Ominous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus takes care of some loose ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Writer's block is a bitch. But hey, 2020's almost over, so that's something! :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy! <3

The second Janus was out of the room, he felt all the adrenaline drain from his body, leaving behind only grief and anger and  _ despair _ . It didn’t take long for a side to fade completely if they decided to duck out— if Janus hadn’t happened to go check on him because Remus happened to wake him up...

He felt sick. Unwilling to waste time on his own feelings, he shoved the thoughts down and forced himself to keep walking.

Remus was sitting on the couch now, eerily still. The TV wasn’t on, but he was staring at it as if something captivating was playing. Sighing, Janus walked into the room with heavy footsteps so Remus would be sure to hear him. 

Remus’ head jerked up so fast that a normal person’s neck would’ve snapped, hope shining in his eyes. He took one look at Janus and that hope died. “Where’s Vee?” he asked. It was oddly quiet and vulnerable, and Janus didn’t like it one bit. 

“He’s in his room,” he replied as calmly as he could. It would be ideal if he could spare Remus from the truth, make up a little story to soothe his worries, but Remus was staring at him with an intensity that screamed  _ I need to know right now _ . Sighing, Janus took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair. It wasn’t nearly as comforting as when he’d done it to Virgil a few minutes ago. “He…” the words caught in his throat, and he screwed his eyes shut like a coward so he wouldn’t have to see Remus’ face. “He tried to duck out.”

Even with his eyes closed, Janus could practically  _ see  _ Remus’ reaction; shock and terror were rolling off of him in waves, and his breath caught in his throat a few times before stopping altogether. Still too cowardly to look up, Janus blindly reached out until he found the ridiculous frilly fabric on the duke’s shoulder. 

“He’s in his room,” he repeated, as if that would reassure them both. Thankfully, he heard Remus finally take in a shaky breath. “He’s in his room, he’s sleeping, and he’s safe. I locked the door. They can’t get to him ever again.”

Remus stiffened. “...they?”

Ah, right. This was a delicate matter, since Remus would want to go on a murderous rampage the second he realized what happened. Janus wasn’t against that, but he needed Remus to stay here to watch Virgil while he sorted things out, and he doubted homicidal energy would be ideal for Virgil’s current mental state. 

“I’m going to preemptively ask you to stay in Virgil’s room and keep him safe, Remus.” He finally looked up, taking in the painful storm of emotions crossing Remus’ face. Remus clenched his jaw. He liked to act stupid, but Janus knew he was nearly as smart as Logic. They stared each other down for a few minutes before Remus reluctantly nodded. “Good, thank you. He can’t be left alone right now.”

“Was it Roman?”

Janus sighed again. “I have no idea, I just know it was  _ them _ .” He spat the word out like poison, which it damn well was in his humble opinion. “I’m going up there now to figure out exactly what happened. Which is why you need to stay here and—”

“And keep him safe, I know,” Remus huffed. “I  _ can  _ listen sometimes. I’m not letting anyone come near him ever again.”

Janus noted the fury burning in Remus’ eyes and smiled appreciatively. “Very good.”

He walked back to Virgil’s room, motioning for Remus to follow him. When they got to the door, Janus turned to him, opening his mouth to reinforce how serious this situation was. Remus wasn’t the fool everyone else took him for, no, but it never hurt to take precautions.

Remus knew what the look meant and Janus was a bit surprised to see that he was insulted. Eliciting such an emotion from Remus was a near impossible task. “It’s  _ Vee _ ,” he said, scowling. “ _ I’m not letting any of those assholes come near him ever again.  _ Stop being a dick, Dee.” 

Janus blinked at him for a few seconds too long before managing to collect himself. “Yes, yes of course. I’m sorry,” he placated. Oddly enough, he realized he genuinely  _ was  _ sorry. Remus seemed equally surprised by the sincerity, but he just nodded once in response.

Janus waved a hand to unlock the room and Remus sunk out without any fanfare. 

Now onto the rest of them.

* * *

Predictably enough, the three light sides were lounging around as if it was a perfectly normal day, as if  _ nothing was wrong at all _ . Virgil had tried to end it all for himself while these three clods were having a nice family breakfast, huh? It truly was a shame that they were all necessary for optimal functioning, otherwise nothing would be stopping Janus from tearing them to shreds. 

Being in the light side always made his skin crawl— it was akin to the feeling he got when Virgil showed him pictures of ‘liminal spaces’, which the conspiracy theorist believed to be some sort of glimpse into purgatory. Janus had tried explaining the phenomena, but Virgil was never a very rational conversation partner. A smile twitched onto Janus’ face despite himself. 

Then Morality entered the main room and his face shuttered closed. Right. He was here for a reason.  _ Focus.  _

“Roman, is that— Oh! Deceit! Hi!” Even though the fool was shuffling his feet nervously as he spoke, somehow the dopey grin on his face wasn’t entirely fabricated. “What’re you, uh, doing here? Not that you’re not welcome or an—”

“I’m here strictly for necessity,” Deceit cut in with a terse smile, not masking the annoyance from his voice. Virgil had always said Morality was stupidly kind. It was amusing to imagine, especially imagining such unwarranted affection being thrown at Anxiety, but right now it was simply grating on already frayed nerves. 

“Oh...did something happen?” Morality asked, worry shining behind his glasses. Janus grimaced. Okay, maybe Morality wasn’t part of the problem. Janus doubted he was capable of such cruelty anyways, but seeing the immediate concern was damning evidence. Or whatever the opposite of damning evidence is. Absolving evidence?

_ Dear lord, FOCUS. This is for Virgil. _

Right, yes, of course.

Deceit sneered, taking a purposefully intimidating step towards the father figment. When Morality took a step back in turn, he bared his teeth in a smile. “Oh,  _ did  _ something happen? Gee, I wonder…” He hummed, mockingly tapping his chin as if in contemplation. “Oh, that’s right! Perhaps you noticed the sudden absence in the mindscape?”

“Sudden absence…?”

“Yes, Morality, do keep up,” Deceit snapped. 

“Hey, leave him alone you vile fiend! Begone!” Ah, there was the somehow-even-worse Creativity, leaping in front of Morality. A noble gesture if there had been any immediate threat, but as it was, the prince just looked idiotic.

“How nice of you to join us. Perhaps  _ you  _ have been a bit more keen than Morality, hm?”

“Stop speaking in riddles!”

Deceit could practically feel the vein in his temple twitching. How on earth had Virgil put up with this for all those videos? “Apologies,” he replied smoothly. “I hadn’t realized my manner of speaking was too advanced for your comprehension. Let me dumb it down, then.”

He took another step forward. Amusingly, the prince took a sharp step backwards, and almost knocked Morality over by doing so. 

“There’s been something missing from the mindscape for a little while, now. I was only curious if you ‘light’ sides had caught on yet.”

Morality gasped. “Oh no! Did something get stolen?”

Janus turned to face him with piercing eyes. No, he certainly wasn’t at fault for Virgil’s beliefs...but Janus still wasn’t inclined to offer any mercy. “Nearly. Luckily, I retrieved it before it could be lost.”

Creativity groaned loudly. “Why do you have to talk so spooky and ominous? Just say why you’re here, snake! We don’t have all day!”

A new voice piped up, alerting them to the newcomer. The final light side. “Is Anxiety...alright?” The question was stated plainly, but Janus could detect the concern that Logic was trying so desperately to hide. 

Janus heard laughter, and a few seconds later he realized it could only be his laughter. It was empty, and chilling. “Is Anxiety alright,” he repeated incredulously, rolling the words over his tongue. “Is Anxiety alright...that’s a very good question, Logic. And it’s not one that’s occurred to any of you before, is it?”

He noticed Morality was shaking. “D-Did something happen to the kiddo? Is he okay?”

“I would also like to know,” Logic said, walking to stand next to Morality. “You did not answer my question, and that is...an unideal response.”

Deceit raised an eyebrow. “Unideal?” He parroted mockingly.

Logic narrowed his eyes. “Insufficient,” he corrected coldly. “Is Anxiety alright?”

“Oh Anxiety’s just fine now. None of you need to worry your pretty little heads about him  _ ever again _ .” It was a threat that was thinly veiled as condolence, and even these idiots picked up on it. 

Logic clenched his hands into fists, as did the prince, and Deceit smirked. He was itching for any excuse to lash out at them.

But then Morality went and burst into tears.

“Oh God, is he-is he—” The father figment choked on his words, sniffling too much to talk clearly. The other two moved to reassure him. Janus just cringed away.

“No. No thanks to you three,” he added on with open venom.

Creativity jolted away from Morality, looking at Deceit with wide, furious eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean, snake?” The prince asked, a quiet danger humming underneath the surface.

“I’m not speaking in riddles,  _ Whimsy _ . It means exactly what you think it means. But since the three of you have proven to be unthinkably stupid, I suppose I should spell it out for you. Just to make sure.” He stepped closer, once, then twice. None of them even moved back this time, watching him with open horror. It brought warmth to his heart. “Our darling Anxiety ducked out in the early hours of this morning. After I awoke, I noticed and brought him back, but it had likely been hours by that point already. His weak state was the only reason he didn’t fight me kicking and screaming.” Another step closer. “He insisted he was unwanted, unneeded,  _ unlovable _ . He insisted it had nothing to do with us mean old ‘dark’ sides. Process of elimination…” he stopped in front of Logic, relishing the way the stoic side struggled to keep the grief from his face. “Who else has been talking to Anxiety recently? Oh, right... _ the darling ‘light’ sides _ .”

“No,” Morality whispered in horror. It was so soft that Janus doubted Morality even knew he’d said it out loud.

Still, he took pleasure in responding. “ _ Yes. _ ”

Morality sunk out halfway before being abruptly pulled back up, like he’d hit a trampoline. Janus smirked, pleased to see his work in effect. They truly wouldn’t be getting to him again.

“I-I can’t get in…” Morality whimpered, looking at the floor as if it was the only thing that could comfort him. “Why can’t I get in? Why…”

“Is he…?” Logic asked Deceit, voice tight with restrained emotion. 

Janus offered up a bitter smirk. “Anxiety is home now. He will be fine. And you three will never see him again.”

Morality opened his mouth to say something, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks, but he was cut off by obnoxious laughter. The prince was openly grinning, seemingly oblivious to the looks he was getting from his friends. “Well, that’s a relief!” He cheered, abruptly walking away into the kitchen. “Cause for celebration! Should we break out the sparkling grape juice, padre?”

Logic hissed something under his breath and then sunk out without another word. Morality gaped at the kitchen doorway, mouth opening and closing several times with no sound coming out. 

Definitely Roman, then. Remus will be delighted by the news. 

“Padre?” Creativity peeked his head back out of the doorway, an elated smile still stuck on his stupid face. “C’mon, he’s fine, you heard Deceit! No harm done, and we got him out of our hair! Now let’s bake some celebratory cake or somethin—”

“Roman!” Morality shouted, making them both jump. Thankfully neither of them were looking at him, so Janus was able to collect himself without too much embarrassment. Who knew Morality had a backbone?

Clearly not the prince, considering he looked like he’d been slapped. Out of the corner of his eye, Deceit noted that Morality winced in what was probably regret, but didn’t back down.

“Roman, he’s still one of us! You can’t possibly not feel bad that we….” The words caught in the father figment’s throat. Even from here, Deceit could see more tears building in his eyes just by thinking them. 

“Hey, hey, we didn’t  _ make him  _ duck out—”

“Quack.” Morality interrupted miserably. 

Dear lord. Janus needed to get this over with so he wouldn’t have to spend another moment in such insufferable company. “Au contraire, Whimsy,” he purred, grinning at the glare he received from the prince. “You very much are the reason Anxiety almost let himself fade into the subconscious.” When he turned to Morality, the man was already sobbing again, but it did little to curb the fury burning inside him. “And as for what you said,  _ padre _ ...he was never one of you, and now he never will be. You’ve made sure of that, haven’t you?”

Morality’s head jerked up to meet his eyes, though Deceit doubted he could actually see anything through his tears. Still, whatever he thought he saw was enough to make him finally break down completely, sinking out with a pained cry. 

Creativity was still in the kitchen doorway looking like a dead fish. Deceit was incredibly tempted to pick apart every single one of his insecurities (because honestly, the prince made it far too easy to do so), but in the end he decided Remus deserved all the honors. An early birthday gift, Janus mused. 

The prince opened his mouth to say something else, so Janus made quick work of sinking out, back to his home. The light sides were of no use to him now.


	3. Nobody Likes Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, so sorry it's taken me two months to update this, school's been a real bitch 😢 Weirdly enough, it's harder to write angst when I'm already having a bad time haha. I'm trying to get back into writing regularly, so hopefully updates won't be so slow!
> 
> Second: TW for excessive swearing and self-hatred/suicidal thoughts, since this chapter is Virgil's POV. Nothing gets graphic, but if thoughts like that might trigger you, please be safe ❤️
> 
> If you need help, here's a list of hotlines, among other resources: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

The first thing Virgil noticed when he woke up was the headache. It felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to his skull (and unfortunately, Remus had done similar enough things to him in past fights that he felt he was justified in the comparison). Groaning as loudly and long as he could, he dragged the blankets further up over himself and hid in them, hoping that the darkness would ease the pain. It did not. 

A shifting noise from the other side of the room made him jolt up in bed instinctively, which he paid for a few seconds later. Hissing through his teeth, Virgil forced himself to see through the radiating pain. Remus. 

Virgil groaned again, just as dramatically. “What’re you doin’ here, Ree?” He slurred, wincing at his own voice. “I have a killer fucking headache, so if you came here to bug me, I’m really not up for it right now.”

Remus just...stared at him. Virgil was able to make out the shape of the duke sitting cross-legged on his desk (asshole), but the shadows were still dark enough that Remus’ green eyes seemed to glow. Needless to say, it was fucking creepy.

“Okay, dude, say something. You’re kinda freaking me out.”

Instead of doing that, Remus hopped off the desk and plopped himself down on the bed in front of Virgil. One trembling hand grabbed at Virgil’s arm like it might disappear if he moved too fast, and then after a few moments, it tightened. Even though Virgil’s heart sped up, he kept his mouth shut about it. 

“Ree?” He called softly, tilting his head to try to make eye contact. Remus looked back at him, but Virgil could tell he was only halfway there. The other half was somewhere out of Virgil’s reach. 

“You ducked out.”

Virgil would swear all the air got sucked out of his room right then and there. Was he suffocating? It sure felt like it.

Right. He had ducked out. He’d ducked out to spare everyone else the trouble, so why was he here, in his room, with Remus? 

_ You expect me to stand by while you kill yourself? _

Janus. Virgil felt his fists curl, bunching up the sheets beneath him. That absolute dick! He couldn’t even let Virgil have this one thing? 

_ Do you have any idea how devastated we’d be? _

His fists loosened their death grip. Distantly, he was aware of Remus’ eyes drilling a hole through his head. Devastated...Janus hadn’t been upset with him. If he thought hard enough, Virgil could remember being guided to bed with sweet reassurances and gentle touches. 

_ We’ve failed you… _

Guilt bloomed in Virgil’s stomach, a heavy, painful thing with vines of thorns. 

“Ree,” he croaked out, his own desperate hand reaching out and latching onto Remus’. “Ree...Fuck, I’m  _ sorry _ .”

Remus silently pulled him into a tight hug, and only then did Virgil realize he’d started crying. There was a brief moment where Virgil worried about his eyeshadow before he remembered he’d already messed it up earlier with Janus. His second time crying in one day, and after he ducked out too. That explained the headache. 

It was hard to breathe, Remus’ arms squeezing him so tightly that Virgil got nervous that he’d break a rib. Or five. But in the end, it was more safe than painful, so he hugged Remus back and let his head fall onto his chest. He felt Remus rest his chin on top of his head a few seconds later, a puff of warm breath down his neck making him crinkle his nose.

“Remus?”

The duke’s body twitched. “Yeah, emo?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Virgil tried to pull away so he could look at him, but Remus held on tight. Sighing, Virgil let himself go limp again. “It's  _ not _ ,” he insisted angrily. “It’s not okay — ”

“No, it’s not.” Remus conceded, bitterness in his voice. “It’s not okay that you tried to off yourself. And without even a suicide note? I mean come on, man, that’s cold.”

Without meaning to, Virgil laughed into Remus’ stupid shirt. His dumb jokes always made him laugh no matter how much Virgil wished they didn’t, or how inappropriate for the situation it was. “My bad, I’ll be sure to write one next time, just for you.”

Any tension that had left Remus’ body was back tenfold, his body curling around Virgil and his arms wrapping around him so tightly that it hurt. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, though Virgil wasn’t sure if that was his anxiety spiking or Remus unintentionally suffocating him. Either way, not good.

“Sorry, thought we were doing badly-timed jokes,” he choked out. Thank fucking god, Remus finally realized he might be killing his friend and loosened the embrace just enough for Virgil to breathe. 

“I thought we were too! But I’ve just decided right now that nobody’s allowed to joke about this ever ever ever again, not even if a big fat pig gets torn up in a jet turbine--”

“Ugh!” Virgil groaned in protest, shoving Remus away forcefully. That time, the duke let him go, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Can’t you stop for like, five seconds? I’m in  _ distress _ .”

“Oh, you are? You don’t seem very  _ in distress  _ to me.”

“Don’t gatekeep my emotional issues, dickface.”

“Oh, oh, I love this game! Shithead!”

Reluctantly, Virgil snickered. “Unfashionable lunatic.”

“Aw Virgie, that one just hurt!”

“If you two are quite done,” a new voice interrupted, clearly amused despite the apparent annoyance at them, “I would like to talk about...different matters.”

All the fragile light-heartedness that had settled over them was instantly gone. Looking over at Janus, Virgil felt a new wave of fear rush over him. A wave twenty feet tall, getting bigger and bigger until there’s no light, no air--

“Virgil,” Janus murmured. He was right next to them now, crouching down to be eye level with Virgil. When had he moved? Virgil could feel his hoodie sleeve getting pushed up a little bit and almost bit someone, but then there were cool fingers on his wrist, grounding him. 

Remus had shifted a little bit away so Janus could sit with them on the bed. Both were staring. At him. Virgil gulped. No, Dee wasn’t mad at him in the heat of the moment, but what about now? What if he convinced Ree to be mad too? He wasn’t sure what he would do if they hated him too. 

_ You know what you’d do, dumbass,  _ a voice in his head rolls its eyes.

_ They wouldn’t let you duck out, they’re not gonna hate you even if they get mad,  _ another argues. 

_ You don’t know that. They could leave us at any second! _

“Virgil?”

Snapped out of...whatever the hell that was, Virgil winced at Janus’ concern. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t even deserve to  _ be here _ . 

“Hey, Dee,” he responded weakly, trying for a smile. Even just curling his mouth up a little bit was fucking exhausting. 

Janus was unmoved by it, that was for sure. “Darling, how’s your head?”

“Um...bad?”

“Headache, or bad thoughts?” Janus inquired, frowning. Virgil felt a gloved hand reach up and brush his bangs out of the way; he absolutely  _ refused  _ to lean into the touch like some  _ child _ , but, well...if he didn’t move away from it either, he could just argue he was too tired to. 

“Yeah.”

Remus snorted, jumping off the bed and back onto his desk. Virgil would have scowled at him if that wasn’t so much effort. 

Janus gently grabbed his chin and moved his head to meet his eyes. “Virgil, we need to talk about this,” he murmured, his stupid snake face all solemn and pitying. Virgil sneered and flinched out of his grasp, shuffling back on his bed to put a bit of space between them. 

“No, we don’t.”

“Dear—”

“Rem, c’mon, back me up here.”

Remus had an oddly serious expression on his face, no trace of humor. “Nah, Double Dee’s right. We gotta know what’s goin’ on up there so we can fix it.”

“You can’t  _ fix  _ it, Ree,” Virgil scoffed.

“No, we can’t,” Janus cut in, startling Virgil enough to make eye contact again. The snake offered up a bitter smile. Soft looks weren’t common between the three of them, and Virgil found himself fidgeting under the one Janus was throwing at him. “It’s not that simple, we know that. But it is a problem we can help you with. We can help ease the power it has over you.”

Virgil couldn’t find words to reply with. Remus easily filled the silence without even noticing there was one in the first place. “Hey, that’s it! Dee, use your powers!”

Both of the sides on the bed froze. Remus tilted his head at them, brows furrowed in confusion. Virgil didn’t know if he wanted to hit him or Janus right now.

“Remus, I am not going to use that on Virgil without his permission. It’s an extreme invasion of trust.”

“But Jannie, if you just tell him not to think that anymore, he won’t! Problem solved!”

Definitely Remus. The bastard was pouting, and he was still sitting on Virgil’s fucking desk like a  _ fucking asshole _ . 

Janus shook his head disapprovingly, mouth set in a thin line. “Yes, it  _ could  _ work, but it’s up to Virgil.”

They both paused and looked over at him again. Virgil squirmed.

He remembered when they were younger. Remus had been ecstatic when they’d discovered Dee’s secret new power: it had just been a normal day, but then Rem had just started doing what Dee asked him to. It was sure as hell weird to all three of them, and, after a bit of experimenting, they’d realized it was Dee. 

Virgil remembered Dee entertaining Remus’ curiosity that afternoon, and then him fretfully approaching Virgil later. 

_ (“I don’t want to be a monster, Vee,” Dee had whispered, hands shaking. “The scales weren’t bad enough? I have mind control powers?” _

_ “Yeah okay, I know that sounds pretty supervillain-ish, but--” _

_ “Supervillain, yeah. That’s what this feels like. They…were they right, Vee? Am I  _ bad? _ ” _

_ Virgil had pulled him in for a hug. It was awkward and stiff, but a hug nonetheless. “No, they’re just stupid. You’re not bad. You’re my best friend, you would never hurt me or Rem.” _

_ Dee hadn’t said anything then, just clung to Virgil’s hoodie and trembled.) _

After that, Dee had only ever used it to ease the nightmares when they got really bad, or to curb Remus’ destructive tendencies. They owed him a lot of good night’s rests. 

Looking over at him, all Virgil could see on Dee’s face was sorrow, that same bitter twist to his smile. Virgil frowned. Janus wasn’t gonna hurt him. Janus wouldn’t abuse that power. Logically, Virgil  _ knew  _ this solution made the most sense, fixing his stupid ‘problem’ just like that. God knew Virgil already felt bad making Jan and Rem go through this in the first place, nevermind the thought of dragging them down for the rest of their lives. 

But...even thinking logically, even looking into Dee’s eyes, Virgil felt himself feeling sick. He wished he didn’t. He wished he could stop being selfish and just let his family take the easy way out of this mess. He wished he wasn’t so goddamn  _ weak _ .

He nearly jumped when a hand landed on his knee. Following the yellow glove up led to a painfully kind face. “I won’t, Virgil,” Janus soothed, rubbing small circles into his leg. “Promise.”

Virgil bit his lip. He couldn’t meet Janus’ soft gaze. “But...I-I mean—”

“You think it’s selfish somehow?”

Startled, Virgil looked back at him with wide eyes. Janus chuckled.

“I’m the embodiment of selfishness, I would know if you were being selfish. You rarely ever are, Virgil. Which, now that I’m thinking of it, is something we should probably work on.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, letting himself fall backwards onto his pillows. “Fat chance.”

Even from here, he could see Janus’ small sad smile grow into something more like a smirk. “Such little faith in my skill,” he teased. There was just the slightest hint of a hiss in his voice, making Virgil snicker. Even after years of trying to figure it out, Dee never really knew how to control that. It infuriated him, meaning it amused Virgil to no end. 

“Um, hello!” Remus called out from the desk, waving his arms around as if they weren’t three feet away from each other. One of Virgil’s paper bats hanging from the ceiling almost got smacked, but, luckily for Remus’ safety, nothing actually fell.

“What is it, Remus?” Janus reluctantly replied. The hand on his leg started drawing patterns again. Virgil doubted Janus even knew he was doing it. 

Remus huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “You blew off my genius idea!” A pause, not short enough for Virgil’s peace of mind. “Haha,  _ blew _ . You totally blew me, Deedee!”

Janus closed his eyes for a solid minute, taking very deep breaths, and then finally managed to give Remus a bland smile. “Yes, thank you for that, Remus. I’m  _ so glad _ you’re here to help.” 

Remus beamed, straightening up so suddenly that Virgil could hear a couple bones pop. He fucking hated when Remus did shit like that. Thank god he’d already laid down, otherwise he might’ve thrown up all over his own bed. 

“Always happy to please, sir!” Remus barked out, chest puffed out and one hand lifted in a salute. Janus looked like he was debating whether to be irritated or not, finally settling on ignoring Remus entirely.

“I suppose we don’t need to talk about it at this very moment, Virgil.” At Virgil’s loud sigh of relief, Janus’ voice hardened. “But we  _ are _ going to. Eventually.”

Virgil shifted so he could glare at Dee, a furious look that was easily returned. God knows how long they were stuck in that stalemate, though at some point Remus started butchering ‘Part Of Your World’ so it must’ve been long enough to bore him. Knowing how much more tolerant Janus was of Remus’ bullshit and not wanting to suffer any more than he already had, Virgil gave in first.

“Fine, fine, whatever,” he grumbled, purposefully turning away so he wouldn’t have to see Jan’s stupid smug smirk.

Sadly, Dee’s smugness was dripping from his voice too. “Excellent, I’m glad we could come to an agreement.” Virgil flipped him off, and Jan tsked down at him. “Manners. Now, lunch?”

“Fuck yeah!” Remus cheered, already skipping across the room. “God, I’m fucking starving, I thought I might have to start eating my arm! Shame on you, Dee, not feeding your poor, hungry, children. Hey, you know what I’m in the mood for? I’d love…” Remus kept babbling even as he ran out of the room and across the house into the kitchen, the words becoming less clear the farther he went. Virgil just wished the lunatic had held off on the part about arm-eating until he was out of earshot. 

“I’m not getting out of bed,” Virgil said before Dee could open his mouth. 

“You need to eat.”

“I don’t  _ need  _ anything.”

“Virgil.”

“ _ Janus. _ ”

Janus sighed. Virgil bet if he looked up, Dee would be pinching the skin between his eyebrows. That’s how he always reacted to any minor inconvenience, like it had given him the worst migraine of his life. 

Normally, Virgil wouldn’t take pity on him. They were family, but that had never meant they went easy on each other— if anything, they antagonized each other more than the light sides. That was how they had always lived, and they all silently agreed that the constant bickering was more comfortable. None of them were very in-touch with their  _ feelings _ . Virgil shoved down any emotion that wasn’t anger, annoyance, or panic.

Virgil also had failed to off himself, and even though his memory was always super hazy after a panic attack, the image of Janus’ terrified face vengefully burned through his mind. Jan thought he was the master of deception, but Virgil was the  _ embodiment of stress.  _ He could feel Janus’ fear coming off of him in waves.

So Virgil took pity on him. Just this once.

“Fine.” Refusing to look over at the snake, Virgil begrudgingly got off the bed, wincing when he tried to stretch. His back was fucked. That was Dee’s fault though, ‘cause he kept telling Virgil to fix his posture, and of  _ course  _ Virgil would never fix his posture now. 

“Sore?”

“No,” he lied, mouth twitching up at Janus’ sigh. Yeah, he knew he couldn’t lie to Mr. Lord-of-the-Lies. Because, like...no shit. Didn’t mean it wasn’t funny to do it anyways and see Dee fluff up like an angry bird. 

It took an embarrassingly long time to dig through the clothes piled up on the floor until he finally found his favorite hoodie. Janus must’ve taken pity on him too, because he didn’t say anything about it. Virgil didn’t know whether to be grateful for that or annoyed by it. 

By the time they got to the kitchen, Remus had emptied literally all of the cabinets and was making his way through the fridge. Janus immediately stormed forward and smacked him across the head, ranting about something or another while he pushed Remus away and tried to put everything back. Virgil leaned against the doorframe, watching on with amusement. They were fucking disasters. Then again, he was too, wasn’t he? What a good match the three of them were, a house full of terrible coping mechanisms. 

He loved them. He knew they loved him too, they always had and always would because that’s how family  _ works _ , but his stupid brain wasn’t getting the memo. It was frustrating enough for him to deal with, he couldn’t imagine how frustrated they were. Maybe he’d try to make breakfast or something to thank them for not kicking him out on his ass. 

Suddenly, he felt a sharp tug on his gut, much stronger than anything he’d felt before. Sure, he had to pop up for the videos every once in a while, but none of them ever... _ wanted  _ him there. Why the hell were they trying to summon him? Too shocked to respond, there was a second harsh tug that had him gasping for air, hunching over as if that would protect him. 

The hand on his shoulder made him flinch back. Still, it held on tight, and when he forced himself to look up he realized it was just Remus, probably trying to ground him. The world did feel like it was doing cartwheels right now (where had that comparison come from? Jesus, maybe he’d been spending too much time upstairs), so Virgil relaxed under the touch and followed Remus’ deep breaths. 

“W-Why the fuck…” Virgil wheezed out, clenching his jaw as  _ another  _ summons tried to pull him under. He wasn’t really sure where he was going with that thought. He was kinda just panicking out loud, hoping one of them could answer it for him. 

Why the fuck were they asking him to be there?

Why the fuck was it so strong? Actually, now that he thought about it, it was way too strong for him to still be standing in his own kitchen. Why the fuck wasn’t it pulling him under? Sides couldn’t just fight against a summons like that, not one so strong. And he wasn’t even fucking  _ fighting  _ it, it just  _ wasn’t working on him.  _ Christ, Virgil felt like he was being  _ gutted _ . (Again, he unfortunately had the experience to back that comparison up.)

“I don’t know, stormcloud,” Janus’ way-too-smooth voice chimed in from somewhere next to him, another hand resting gently on his other shoulder. And oh, that was definitely a lie. Dee didn’t have any tells, but Virgil knew the bastard well enough. And Dee knew he knew him. 

The others must’ve finally given up (why did that thought sting? _Don’t be such a baby,_ he scolded himself), so Virgil managed to catch his breath enough to stand up straight. He shook Dee’s hand off his shoulder and turned to glare at the snake. “Liar.”

Predictably, Janus just raised an eyebrow at him. It made his blood boil. 

“Well? You wanna share with the class?” He spat, curling his still-shaking hands into white-knuckled fists. Adrenaline pumped through his blood, and Virgil wasn’t sure whether it was panic or fury anymore. All he knew was it would wear off soon, and as soon as it did, that bone-deep exhaustion would come back. Better make use of the spine while he still had it, he supposed. 

“Vee,” Remus murmured, tugging him a bit closer to himself. Farther away from Janus. Virgil didn’t shake him off, but he didn’t stop sneering at Janus either. The snake’s poker face was cracking, and Virgil bit at the chance to break it to pieces. 

Janus knew how he felt about being lied to like that. He knew better.

“Just leave it alone,” Remus tried again, and, no, that couldn’t be right, because Remus sounded almost...pleading? Remus didn’t plead. He had a vendetta against ‘please’ and ‘thank-you’. 

Ah, that was definitely panic that was making his heart race. Virgil could barely remember who he was supposed to be angry at. Himself? Probably himself. That was the usual culprit. 

Remus slowly led him through some breathing exercises, only stepping back once Virgil could breathe normally again. Looking around, he realized Janus had snuck out at some point. His eyes narrowed and he moved to go find the shady bitch, but Remus’ hand squeezed his shoulder. Like a warning. 

“Seriously, Vee. Just leave it alone,” Remus repeated. That was definitely pleading in his voice. At Virgil’s incredulous look, he groaned and looked away. “Look, in Dee’s defense—”

“That’s a terrible start to any sentence.”

“—shut up emo, I’m talking. In Dee’s defense, it  _ was  _ their fault you decided to go AWOL, so really they deserved a lot worse—”

“No, no, pause,” Virgil interrupted, struggling to figure out what had happened in the short time he was unconscious. “Explain.”

“Okay so, Jannie went up there to see what the deal was, no stop making that face, we  _ know  _ it was them. And like, I dunno what he did up there exactly, but I’d bet my sexiest thigh-highs that it’s something to do with Roman. No, shush, I’m explaining. Anyways, he locked the door between here and upstairs so they can’t bug us again. I guess it means I can’t go stab Roman whenever I feel like it now, but hey, we all have to make sacrifices sometimes, I guess.”

Virgil took a deep breath. And then another one. And then five more, just to be sure he wouldn’t kill both of them and regret it later. “Okay,” he said, unsure what emotion he was feeling at that point. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I mean, no, not okay, but like...I don’t know. I’ve still got a fucking headache, stop talking.”

“Hopefully these will help,” Janus murmured, suddenly halfway across the room. Virgil didn’t notice the pill bottle until it was carefully placed into one of his hands. He wasn’t sure when he’d relaxed them from fists. His palm had bright red crescent moons on it, matching the little pills in the bottle. 

As soon as the bottle was in his hand, Dee stepped back. Out of arm’s reach. Good, Virgil thought bitterly. He wasn’t even sure he was mad at Janus—everything in his head was too messy and loud to make sense of any of it—but he was happy to act like it anyway. 

He didn’t bother saying thanks, just tipped a few pills out without looking at the label and popped them into his mouth. Dee grimaced, still silent in his disapproval. Virgil decided he definitely resented the pity right then. The pity, the lying, the top-toeing around him like he was made of glass. He hated all of it. Everything was too fucking much. He kinda wanted to yell at both of them, but he knew this was all his fault, and that they didn’t deserve that at all. 

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he mumbled, not really sure if he was even intentionally talking out loud. He decided it didn’t matter. All that mattered was sleep. “I’m gonna...gonna go nap. Don’t bother me for a few hours.”

As he stumbled away, he could’ve sworn Remus’ voice got  _ worried,  _ and then Janus started talking about common therapy methods. Definitely half-asleep, then. Whatever. Wouldn’t be the first time he’d started hearing things just ‘cause he was a bit tired. They didn’t stop him, and he was face-first on his bed before he knew it, and that was all that mattered. 

Nothing else. Nope. There was nothing wrong and nothing needed to be talked about and nothing needed to be worried about. Virgil just needed a nap, and then maybe his head would finally go quiet. Maybe. Hopefully. Probably not. 

_ I hope I suffocate before I wake up,  _ was the last muggy thought he had, and then he was out like a light.


End file.
